How to Let Go of People-Pleasing This Holiday Season

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I’ll never forget the Christmas my husband and I spent together as an engaged couple. There were sweet, romantic moments we shared, but Christmas Day, as a whole, was…miserable. Between breakfast, lunch, and dinner, we were at three different houses, constantly unloading and loading gifts, juggling food, and quietly agreeing, “We aren’t doing this again next year.”

What I learned that year is that even when you show up for all of the things to please all of the people in your life, you still don’t please everyone. One grandparent is mad because you were too full to try their special dessert, a cousin is mad because everyone wasn’t right on time, and an in-law is upset that you spent a few minutes more at the other family’s house than theirs.

Deep down, you know it’s true that you can’t please everyone. You don’t have to dig much deeper to acknowledge that pleasing everyone drains you, leaving little room to tend to your heart, mind, and body. This reality only escalates during the holidays, as more parties, non-profit fundraisers, family functions, Christmas pageants, and choir recitals pile high.

Before you know it, Christmas is over, and a big piece of you feels relieved. But should we spend our Advent season, one meant to rest in the hope, peace, and joy of our Savior, meeting the demands of countless people who are more concerned with their function than your soul’s well-being (and your family’s)?

If Christmas feels like a season of survival, all in the name of pleasing others, I encourage you to consider these six simple ways to let go of the unrealistic expectations and find rest:

1. Reflect on Seasons Past

All it takes is a few moments of reflecting on that hectic Christmas spent with my then-fiancé to steady my mind and remind me that I can’t and won’t please everyone. Checking off all the boxes won’t guarantee a Christmas well-spent. Simply put: you can’t expect a perfect Christmas by means of imperfect people. That’s an impossible standard.

Rather than reaching for the impossible, rest in what you know. Through personal experience, you and your family are best equipped to know your capacity during the holidays. You know if your kiddos will be miserable and cranky if you drag them to a late-night Christmas dinner. You know if your infant will nap through the entire Christmas craft party, leaving you unable to do anything besides sit there and sweat in your wool sweater. You know if your husband can only handle his work colleagues for so long at their company’s Christmas party, and vice versa.

Use seasons past to not only determine but also decide how to protect your family’s mental, emotional, and physical health this Christmas.

2. Listen to Your Mind and Body

I didn’t realize how quickly my body would tell on me until after I had my first son. The lack of sleep, dehydration from nursing without replenishing my own fuel tank, and surviving on random bites of random snacks wasn’t cutting it. I wasn’t showering or brushing my teeth as I should. I was simply surviving, all in the name of putting my son first. To an extent, the newborn season leaves you with little choice, but when you allow this idea of ignoring your body’s messages to continue, you and your family pay the price.

Listen to your mind and body this Christmas season, and recognize how your family is managing as well. Are the kids constantly burnt out from sugar highs, exhausted because they’re consistently out past their bedtime to attend yet another Christmas party? Is your husband feeling the mental weight of financially providing in this season because you feel obligated to cook for every Christmas function and bring a White Reindeer gift?

Don’t allow outside demands to harm the physical and mental well-being of your family (which includes you, too).

3. Set and Maintain a Reasonable Schedule 

Last-minute things will pop up. That’s just life, especially during the holiday season. However, you typically have a decent idea of your family’s December schedule in advance. You already know if there are ballet recitals, choir recitals, work parties, small group functions, volunteer events, and so on.

Take an evening to sit down with your family and map out your December calendar. This allows everyone to recognize just how much the family is already committed to, so no one is volunteering your family for yet another function that simply won’t fit with your prior festive obligations.

4. Let Your “No” Be “No” 

I find Matthew 5:37 to be life-changing, both spiritually and socially: “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one” (NIV). Here, Scripture is referring to telling the truth, and as this Gospel shares, anything else is falsehood, a byproduct of Satan and his schemes.

It’s important to be upfront with others about what your family can and can’t balance, and that requires you to be honest, even (and especially) when it’s uncomfortable. If the truth were always easy, Scripture wouldn’t have to mandate that we refrain from lies. Of course, this doesn’t mean that we ignore manners and tact. In fact, a simple, “Oh, we would love to attend, but unfortunately…” or “Thank you so much for thinking of our family, but…” goes a long way.

Don’t give others false expectations because you’re afraid to say no and offend them. The Bible is clear that we owe each other the respect of telling the truth, even if it stings.

5. Lean into Healthy Relationships

You know your people. You know who is truly for your family, January through November, who shows up on the ordinary days, the hard days, and for all the moments in between. It’s important to lean into these people in the holidays.

My husband and I have two to three families who keep us spiritually grounded and are true confidants. In fact, we are closer to them than most of our biological family members. They play a significant role in our year-round peace, hope, and joy, so why would we overlook their friendships in a season when joy is meant to abound?

Naturally, you can’t bring all of your best friends to the soup kitchen you signed up for. And not each of your most trusted pals will be part of your church’s Christmas pageant, your child’s Christmas choir, etc., but when the schedules get wild, slow down and savor moments with those who truly love you and your family.

6. Recognize the Season’s Significance

I’m currently reading through Psalms, and what I’ve quickly noticed is how often David declares that God is his source of rest. Christ came to save us from sin, Satan, and hell, but He also came to provide us with an unnatural rest that we don’t find apart from Him.

This world is noisy, filled with distractions laced with ignorance, emptiness, and greed, so why not refuse the chaos by recognizing the significance of the Christmas season? Why not celebrate the freedom of rest we can find from the Baby in the manger?

This might look like prioritizing cozy family nights filled with baking cookies, wrapping gifts, or watching classic Christmas films. Or it might look like ensuring that your family sits down together for a quiet meal at home at least two nights each week. Consider an electronics fast or timer that everyone must commit to in December. Browse Amazon or your local bookstore for a family Advent devotional that brings everyone together each evening.

There are plenty of ways to implement rest and peace this season, but we must sit with the Savior to not only see but accept these opportunities.

The Root of the People-Pleasing Problem 

It’s easy to become a slave to people-pleasing because each of us wants to be liked. We want to know we are seen and valued. We were wired for intimate, close relationships. However, we can’t expect perfect intimacy with anyone but Christ, and we certainly can’t expect to maintain perfect relationships with everyone. Both parties will always be flawed, so why would we expect anything more?

Our value was sealed before we were born. It’s written into our destiny by the Author of all good things. Rather than pushing back against this beautiful promise, rest in the Promise Keeper who makes this Christmas season miraculous.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Xsandra

Peyton Garland is an author, editor, and boy mama who lives in the beautiful foothills of East Tennessee. Subscribe to her blog Uncured+Okay for more encouragement.