The Difference between Wanting a Wife and Choosing to Be a Husband

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As a Millennial, I have a unique, dichotomous perspective regarding technology. Riding my bicycle was still a quintessential piece of my childhood, but as a teen, I was introduced to Facebook, Instagram, smartphones, etc. 

I often reminisce about the simple games I played on our family’s early 2000s chunky computer. I giggle at just how fascinated I was by my little Nokia cell phone’s infamous game, Snake 1 (though Snake 2 was my favorite). While the nostalgic side of me wishes I’d never been introduced to the overbearing world of social media, the realistic piece of me recognizes such a wish is impossible. 

Social media was designed to be addictive, to pull us into a digital world where we are near-instant victims to anything from cyberbullying to consumerism’s deceptive tricks. The World Wide Web and all its apps and digital communities are often dark, but one undeniable bright side to social media is the recent call-out regarding men who want a wife and kids but don’t want to be a husband and father. 

Instagram and TikTok have recently ignited conversations around the sad truth that many men want the labels without the responsibilities. They are comfortable with this superficial reality so long as it plays out in a good, white-picket-fence life. 

Unfortunately, the Church isn’t immune to this epidemic that infects men and kills commitment. Thus, it’s not only fair but necessary to ask: Are we teaching young men to pursue godliness in leadership—or just the idea of family without the cost of commitment?

The Danger of Digital Definitions 

Social media doesn’t know how to not place people in boxes, and these boxes are never without aggressive opposition. Hashtags, pronoun labels, and the nauseating algorithm quickly peg who and what they think you are, funneling one-sided information to your home feed, but this content “you want to see” is loaded with nasty commenters and typically ignorant debates. 

Social media has subconsciously made us addicted to the drama, the fallout, the tension, and the need to have an enemy. It’s almost as if we have decided that who we are is rooted in who we don’t like. 

I’ve found this to be undeniably true as social media has become marriage and parenthood’s ultimate shredding machine, stripping their meanings into so many pieces that no one can ever rediscover their most basic principles. Worse yet, the Church willingly plays the game, screaming into virtual megaphones to elevate their spiritual status and social media popularity. 

I believe this is a lethal way we have destroyed men and their concept of marriage and family. We’ve allowed other people’s perceptions and the wars they ensue to define leadership and familial love. We’ve spliced fatherhood, marriage, and leadership into five-second reels that offer little more aid and support than the video creator’s desire to be seen and followed. 

In short, we are teaching young men to honor the trend, which is forever changing and hinges on people often motivated by self-interest and political wars. We aren’t offering them digital resources to grow in their faith and with their families. We are manipulating them into clickbait biters more connected to their social media trends than personal betterment. 

The Reason for Relational Disconnect 

This is why it shouldn’t be a surprise when the man of the house seems distant from his family. When the Church doesn’t proactively guide, support, and celebrate Christian men as they grow as husbands and fathers, who are their mentors? Where are they turning for guidance and wisdom? 

Wives certainly don’t want their husbands finding mentors at the bar or in a club. They often don’t want them to be mentored by men whose lives are engulfed by golf, sports betting, or some other surface-level pastime. But where else can they go, and who else can they lean on, if other men—Christian men in the Church—aren’t willing to come alongside them and challenge them to become everything the Lord has called them to be?

The answer is simple. Their mentor becomes a phone, which offers less spiritual conviction and more addictive content centered on disagreements, hate, purchase bait, or the opportunity to zone out. 

Is it any wonder we believe so many of today’s husbands and fathers, even in the Church, often battle anger, spending problems, and disassociation from their families? 

Unfortunately, it seems many churches are more concerned with growing their digital presence than teaching young men the respectful way to engage in today’s technological world so their minds remain pure and their hearts steadfast in being present with their families, committed to tackling whatever problems arise. 

Reclaiming the Marriage Narrative 

I don’t claim to have an overarching, flawless answer to the issue concerning men and their ability to “check out” from their roles as husbands and fathers. Furthermore, as a wife and mother, I certainly can’t pretend to be inside the mind of a man and fully understand his perspective and the challenges he faces. But I do believe I have an idea for where our culture could take the first step forward in holding men accountable, while supporting them, as they become the leaders God called them to be. 

It starts with the men of the Church shifting the narrative and changing their tone where marriage and parenthood are concerned. Too often, in the name of lighthearted moral release, I’ll hear a man say:

“Happy wife, happy life.”
“I just do what I’m told.”
“You don’t have kids? Keep it that way if you ever want to sleep again.”
“It hasn’t been about me since I said, ‘I do.’”
“Oh, you want marriage advice? Don’t get married. That’s my advice.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever get a moment to myself ever again.”

These things, often said in jest, are emotional releases that fall on sensitive ears. Young men considering marriage or starting a family don’t need to hear from godly men that it’s all downhill once you’ve said your vows and had a few kids. Of course, there is a time for healthy vulnerability where you share trying times and seasons, but if your tone concerning marriage and parenthood is always negative, always sounding as though you’re a miserable pawn, why would men enter into these institutions excited to lead? Why even try if it’s not going to work? 

The narrative we place on being a husband and father is what defines it in the hearts and minds of impressionable men. Social media knows this, and it’s already quick to offer its doom-and-gloom and divisive definitions. So why shouldn’t the Church step in to defend the beauty and honor of having a wife and growing a family? 

For nearly fifteen years, social media’s sound bites have not only been louder but also more real than the hands and feet of Christ.

Church, we owe it to our men and their wives and children to take back the power social media snatched and elevate truth once more, sharing that God honors marriage and blesses a man and woman with the gift of children. 

How will we ever truly love others, regardless of their relationship status or gender, if we refuse to adhere to the inspiring, hopeful narrative God has written and sealed for the Christian family? 

Photo Credit:  ©GettyImages/simonapilolla

Peyton Garland is an author, editor, and boy mama who lives in the beautiful foothills of East Tennessee. Subscribe to her blog Uncured+Okay for more encouragement.

This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit Christianity.com.